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What Not to Write – by Guest Blogger Gemma Halliday
 Posted by Diane Kelly Apr 25 2011, 1:00 am in guest author Ruby Slippered Sister Diane Kelly is pleased to host today’s guest blogger, Gemma Halliday!
WHAT NOT TO WRITE – BY GEMMA HALLIDAY What Not to Write: Telling Lately I have new criteria for whether or not a story is a winner: the treadmill. I always bring something to read with me to the gym, and if a book can keep my interest for the entire hour and make me forget I’m basically subjecting myself to the modern equivalent of torture (Seriously. In the early 1800’s the “treadmill” was a form of punishment inflicted on prisoners. Something they don’t tell you at 24 Hour Fitness.), then I know it’s a stellar story. But, if a few pages into the story I’m constantly checking just how many minutes I have left to endure sweating through my workout, it’s going in the loser pile. And I’ve found there is one thing in any book that will make my interest wane and my mind wander faster than anything else – telling. Telling is the Ugg boot of the writing world: it’s utilitarian, it does the job of getting the info across, but it’s not stylish, it’s not pretty, it does nothing to flatter the form of your manuscript. Telling is the number one way to lose your audience to boredom and turn off potential readers. Obviously, we’re all storytellers, but the best storytellers are ones who “show” their audience a story through emotion, action, and clever dialogue. Telling: Maddie was sad. Showing: Maddie wiped a tear from her eye. When you tell a reader, “Maddie was sad,” they may or may not believe you. They may or may not care. It’s a flat, uninteresting fact. But, when you show a tear coming from Maddie’s eye, the reader sees the emotion; they’re watching the drama unfold and making the connection that she’s sad all on their own. It’s a lot more interesting and definitely more engaging. Obviously this is a pretty simple example – you can plainly spot the telling. But, sometimes it can be a little trickier to get that key information across to your audience in a natural way without telling. So, here are some of my top showing tips: 1. Use action. Action is a great way to “show” emotion. Your hero throwing a vase against a wall or pounding his fist into a punching bag conveys his feelings a lot better than simply saying, “He was pissed.” Any time you can show what a character is thinking or feeling through their physical actions, do it. In addition to eliminating telling, it also paints a more visual picture of the scene. Facial expressions are fabulous actions to hint at subtle emotions. A raised eyebrow, a quirked lip, eye rolling. These are all great ways to get a thought across without spelling it out. The more you can “show” on your characters’ faces, the more your reader will feel what your characters are feeling. Another way is to tell the reader about the tone of voice. Is it soft, low, intimate, loud, strained? All of these can portray emotions. Here’s an example from my 4th High Heels book, Alibi in High Heels: Telling: His eyes took on a sad look. “Maddie, I asked you to meet me here because I needed to talk to you. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore.” I was shocked. “W-what do you mean you can’t…?” He looked so good all I wanted to do was touch him. Instead, I tried to get a grip on reality. Showing: His eyes darkened, his shoulders slumping forward. “Maddie, I asked you to meet me here because I needed to talk to you. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore.” My heart froze. “W-what do you mean you can’t…?” Ramirez shook his head, his hair falling across his forehead in a way that made me itch to brush it with my fingertips. Instead, I clasped my hands tightly together around the flower stem, hoping the death grip on the rose would somehow help me get a grip on reality 2. Be specific. Another place I see a lot of telling in manuscripts is in the physical descriptions of people and places. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a hero described as “sexy”. That’s fabulous, but what does sexy look like? Don’t tell us he’s sexy, show it. Dark, intense eyes. Thick, unruly hair. A six pack to make Budweiser jealous. We fall a lot faster if we can see the characters instead of just being told about them. The more specific you can get, the better the visual, the more your reader will see and feel what your characters are experiencing. And don’t be afraid to use brand names! My characters are always going out for Starbucks. Why? It paints a picture of setting right away, much more clearly than a generic “coffee shop” would. I’m always amazed at how many “opulent” rooms are in romance novels. Opulence is great, but instead of saying something was “expensively furnished,” show your reader the furniture. Thick rugs, mahogany end tables, tiffany lamps, crystal chandeliers. Here’s an example of how I described an affluent lawyer’s office in my 1st High Heels book, Spying in High Heels: Example: Beyond the frosted front doors maroon carpeting yawned across the reception area, muffling the sound of my heels as I made my way to the front desk. The large oval of dark woods stretched along the back wall of the spacious room, flanked on either side by more frosted doors leading to the conference rooms and offices beyond. The faint clicking of keyboards and muffled conversations billed at three hundred dollars an hour filled the background. 3. Use dialogue. Sometimes there’s no way around it, you need your reader to know something about the hero or heroine that you just can’t show. Dialogue is a great way to do this without telling. If we need to know about the heroine’s crappy childhood to get where she’s at now, obviously you don’t want to actually have scene after scene showing her life as a seven-year-old. However, a conversation with her best friend where she reveals this info about herself totally works. BUT… be sure that even in the dialogue you are showing as much as you can. “My childhood sucked,” has way less punch to it than, “My dad drank, my mom yelled, I hid in a closet.” The other cautionary thing I’d say is be sure your dialogue sounds natural, that the characters have a good reason for saying these things to each other. It should be as much for the characters’ benefit as for the readers’. Here’s a scene from Alibi in High Heels where I needed to get some info about a character’s family in without flat out telling the reader: Example: “And how do you two know each other?” I couldn’t help myself from asking. Charlene laughed. “Oh, I’ve known our little Felix all my life. I’m his auntie.” I think I swallowed my tongue. “Maddie, I told you I was accompanying my aunt Charlene, didn’t I?” Accompanying his dear old auntie? Yes. The fact that said auntie could double for a Playboy Bunny? No. Definitely not. “Uh huh, sure. Only I wasn’t expecting someone so…” Stacked. Flirtatious. Slutty. “…young.” Charlene laughed again, a sound some men might call tinkling. “Well, Felix’s father was the oldest. Twenty-five years later my father remarried, and he and his new wife adopted yours truly. Turns out my nephew is actually two years older than I am. Isn’t that a lark?” Quite. I felt my latte churning in stomach. So, while you sometimes need to get key information across, make sure you’re doing it with style, not telling, but showing your story in an interesting way that engages your reader. Be the Prada pump that dazzles, not the plain, serviceable Ugg boot, and you’ll have your readers clamoring for more! Gemma Halliday is the award-winning author of the High Heels Mysteries, and the Hollywood Headlines Mysteries. You can visit her on the web at http://www.gemmahalliday.com or catch her divulging her deepest darkest secrets every other Friday on the Killer Fiction blog at http://killerfictionwriters.blogspot.com. Share:
              
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19 Responses to “What Not to Write – by Guest Blogger Gemma Halliday”Leave a Reply |
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Thank you for being with us today, Gemma. Showing vs. telling is one of the hardest things for new writers to grasp. Your examples will make that difficult task easier.
Welcome to the sisterhood, Gemma!
What a great brush up on a skill that is so hard to grasp. Even seasoned storytellers struggle to show rather than tell. And it’s even harder when you have a shorter length. Novellas? Um, so hard to keep from blurting all the backstory out so the reader can “get” the characters enough to follow the shorter story. Novella writers always impress me.
Good writing is such a balancing out – root readers in the story, but don’t load with backstory. Hm…hard to do effectively. But we all try
Thanks for visting the Rubies!
LOL. Gemma, my test for a novel is exactly the same as yours. If a novel can make me forget I’m exercising, it’s a keeper!
Great advice, Gemma! We’ll all be writing like dazzling red Prada pumps now!
Great examples, Gemma – thanks for being here today. I love the “make me forget the pain” test.
As for the “show don’t tell”… my biggest challenge is finding ways to show emotion without it becoming cliche. My editor pointed out that my heroine was tearing up too much. I found ways to gradually build that emotion throughout the book and it really helped create a bigger impact. Valuable lesson learned!
I agree. Love the examples … I hope I can’t find any of them in my own work, but I’m afraid — especially in that first draft — that it’s rife with them. As a journalist, I’m used to straight, utilitarian descriptions. I have to make myself search for the specific.
Wonderful post, Gemma! Thank you for being here.
I was JUST thinking about this very thing yesterday, trying to come up with a good way to say a seven-year-old boy was scared as he sat in a chair outside the headmaster’s office. Physical action did the trick. I had him wrap his feet around the legs of the chair to keep his knees from knocking together. Little things like that make such a difference. And it’s so fun to see what we can come up with.
Thanks for these great examples!
~D~
Love this post, Gemma! Lots of great advice, here, especially the part about showing through action. I’m an action kind of girl (it’s one of the things I do best), so I can always tell when a scene isn’t working–it’s because I’ve stopped having my characters DO something and have started telling about them instead.
Gemma, I’m tweaking lines and this is a great list of reminders of what not to do. I learn from examples, so again, you helping me. Thank you for taking the time to really work the blog.
Thanks for examples. Show don’t tell can be a difficult concerpt to wrap your head around. It’s so easy for me to slip into. I have four books on body language and they are my friends when writing.
Thanks for visiting today. Love your book cover.
And… the treadmill is still a form of punishment
Great post, Gemma! Fantastic examples.
Thanks so much for having me, ladies! I’m glad the examples helped. And, yes, I’ll admit, I find some of this in my own first drafts, too. But that’s what editing is for, right?
Terrific post, Gemma! Sorry to be here so late…I think like many people I was still suffering a bit of a chocolate hangover from Easter.
Thanks for being with us!
Oooh, love that dialogue example. Makes me want to run grab the book for more. Thanks for the helpful insights, Gemma.
Gemma, yikes, I’m late! Wonderful points and great examples, thanks. And I love that treadmill test too, I can only make it through the treadmill if I’m reading a good book!
Hi Gemma, I know I’m late but wanted to welcome you too! Love your examples. This is something I think we all continually work on to come up with fresh new ways to show emotions. Always love seeing/studying how others do it!!
I remember the first time a contest comment suggested something I “told” would be much better delivered as dialogue. Light bulb moment!!!
Thanks for being here. Hope you stop back in to visit sometime!
Gemma, thank you for coming over and chatting with us. I know everyone has problems with show vs. telling. You can’t get rid of all telling, but you should try. Love your “High Heel” books. Super fun reads.
Great blog Gemma!
You did a fabulous job of showing and not telling. I love the examples!
Great examples; makes it look simple, it’s not. BTW, I get a kick out of your books.