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Hot Sex on a Cold Winter’s Night -3 Steps to Making your Sex Scenes Sexy

I write in what I call a strategic assault pattern, you know, like the military might if it were writing a romance novel. I plot, write the first draft which is often about 98% dialogue, then I dive in and add action, description, emotion. In other words, I layer. I do the same with sex scenes. They are absolutely the hardest thing for me to write. I’ve often wondered why. It’s not like I’m frigid. Sex is downright fun. But writing about it? Well, the word fun does not come to mind. So what’s a romance writer to do? I’ll tell ya…

 

1. THE SETUP:

One thing to remember is that the sex scene in a romance must be earned. This does not necessarily hold true for erotica, but that’s a different blog. The sexual tension should be set up very early in the book and toyed with until the hero and heroine are so consumed with one another that they give in to their carnal side and jump in the sack together. Does this mean you can’t have a sex scene on page five? Heck no! Just make sure you set it up by page three. Pull the string tight and keep adding tension until it breaks. And you need a very good reason for having sex on page five. In fact, it could be a main source of conflict for the rest of your story.

You might also keep in mind that a little setup can go a long way. You don’t have to hit the reader over the head with description. Quite often, less is more. And use those senses!

 

She hesitated at that deep, rumbling voice that sounded like thunder. Lightly accented, it sent a shiver down her spine.

                                    —Sherrilyn Kenyon, BORN OF ICE

 

2. THE ACTION:

When writing the sex scene itself, first I write the act. The general who-does-what-to-whom. Does he press her against a wall, whisper in her ear while stroking her neck with his fingertips? Or does she shove him onto a bed and rip his shirt off with wild, almost desperate, abandon? Either is good as long as it fits the story.

This is where you, as the author, decide how much you want to show. Again, it’s not always what you show, but what you don’t. Remember the love scene from The Big Easy? Exactly.

 

The girl let out another sigh, a soft, breathy sound that Simon somehow felt across his entire body.

                                    —Julia Quinn, THE DUKE AND I

 

But while all that’s interesting, it is not entirely what makes a sex scene sexy.

 

3. THE REACTION:

Aw, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s not necessarily the action that is sexy, that causes your stomach to clench, that makes you want these two people to not only make love, but to fall in love forever. It’s the reaction, the character’s response to the action that gets the blood pumping, that makes us feel what the heroine and hero feel, that draws us in, stills our hearts and takes our breath away. You simply must show how each nibble sends a shiver lacing down the heroine’s spine, how each touch sets off sparks in the hero’s abdomen.

 

Nothing had prepared her for this strange tingling sensation that seemed to originate in all the most unmentionable places and then spiral out to heat her entire body.

                                    —Jenna Peterson, WHAT A DUKE DESIRES

 

One more tip: The higher the stakes, the more we feel the reaction. Maybe your hero is so emotionally scarred, he refuses to let anyone in. So when he finally allows your heroine to get close, to touch him, when he finally lets his guard down, it is the sweetest of victories for both characters. It means more to the reader and it will be a scene she will not soon forget.

 

THE CHALLENGE:

Okay, if you haven’t noticed so far, this happens to be a blog with some of the most talented writers in romance. So come on, Ruby Sisters, give your tips on this sensitive subject, and please, dear readers, feel free to ask questions!

91 responses to “Hot Sex on a Cold Winter’s Night -3 Steps to Making your Sex Scenes Sexy”

  1. Joan Swan says:

    Great post Darynda. You managed to put that potentially *huge* topic into an understandable, eloquent nut shell.

    I can’t possibly even attempt the same, but it made me think of the way I write a love scene. It’s an all at once thing for me. I typically see it in my head well ahead of time and layer in the sexual tension, as you mentioned. But the scene itself evolves almost as if it is happening as I write it. The dialogue, the actions, the sensations, the responses, they all get written at the same time, line by line until the scene is … well … satisfied, for lack of a better metaphor.

    Interested to see how others … um, er … do it. 🙂

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      LOL, yep, I guess we all do it differently, Joan. I think it’s interesting how you do it and I wish I was like that! I have to go back over my scenes over and over until they sound at least a little sexy. 🙂

      Thank you so much for stopping by!
      ~D~

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  2. Gwynlyn MacKenzie says:

    Sex scenes. Not my favorite thing to write—although I do seem to remember sex . . . vaguely. 😉

    For me, the sex is all about the emotion, the feelings between the two. Basic bio covered the what-goes-where aspect, but give me the startled gasp, the unexpected frisson that stands hair on end, the heat diffused across quivering skin. Speak of the closeness, the intimacy, the awareness of giving and receiving love, not the mechanics of sex. If I wanted a mechanic, I’d call Mr. Goodwrench.

    Hands should tremble—and not just hers. The feeling that what they share is so much more than a simple physically gratifying act should color every breath, every touch, every thought.

    Easy? Not hardly. Worth it? You bet.

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  3. Vivi Andrews says:

    Very well said, Darynda. I completely agree that is it the reaction that packs the most punch in a sex scene. How she feels about the fact that he’s doing whatever he’s doing is often more important than the fact that he’s doing it.

    I’d also add that a well-placed, well-written line of dialogue can do more to bring me into the mood of a moment than a dozen sentences of narrative description.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      I agree 100%, Vivi. Dialogue is so important and can definitely make or break the scene.

      Thanks for reminding me!
      ~D~

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      • Liz Talley says:

        This is what I was thinking. I really try to connect them not through just motions, but through words. I guess some people don’t talk during sex and this might be TMI, but I like a little conversation with my action(Sorry, Elvis).

        I also like to protray the realness of sex. It’s not always yummy. It’s not always slow and sweet. It’s not always earth-shattering. But it is pure emotion, about as raw and vulnerable as one can get.

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        • Darynda Jones says:

          And I love it when his dialogue is sharp and sexy with a little humor thrown in for good measure. Nothing is hotter, IMO.

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  4. Belle*** says:

    I like the 1, 2, 3 breakdown. Nice. Can’t get enough good ideas on writing the hot stuff. };-)

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      I think you are doing just fine on your own, Belle! 🙂

      Hugs and thank you so much for stopping by!
      ~D~

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  5. Very eloquently put, Darynda. The recipe I use for my erotica and erotic romance is: light a flame under the two main characters, drizzle in some graphic language, add a few cups of romantic internal dialog, throw in a pinch of humor, and turn up the heat while stirring vigorously until it comes to a boil. Makes for a totally satisfying dish.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      That recipe sounds, erm, delicious! Internal dialogue is essential as well. I think that is one thing I seem to skip over until I realize the scene is not really working like I want. I hadn’t really thought of internal dialogue as a separate “assault” (or layer for the more normally prone). Thank you so much!

      ~D~

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  6. Oooh, this is good, Darynda. I really could have done with your advice when I tried writing a Blaze five years ago! As a YA writer, I don’t get too down and dirty with my characters but whether you’re writing sweet or sexy, I still think a sex scene needs emotional intensity.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Oh, that is so true, Vanessa! My YAs are all loaded with sexual tension, the MCs just don’t get to actually act on it. I just think it’s so important.

      Thanks!
      ~D~

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  7. Great post, Darynda. I agree– dialogue, emotion, humor, some ripping off of clothes with your character’s teeth and you’ve got a LOVE scene worth reading. I tend to skip the mechanics, unless it’s something way out there and then I wonder how did they do that?

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  8. Liz Talley says:

    Love this topic. And it might be because I think I write a really good sex scene. I could be wrong, of course. I could really suck at writing sex scenes, but I feel comfortable with it, whereas a lot of people don’t.

    I really like the element of realness in a sex scene. The scrambling for a condom, realizing we don’t have a condom, oh, no, what do we do now sort of scene. Add some humor. Add some naughtiness. Throw in chemistry that won’t stop.

    Hmmmm…I think I may skip to writing the sex scene today. LOL

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      LOL, Liz, I hope you have lots of fun! Oh, and you might want to post your scene here, you know, for feedback and such. hehehe

      I wish it were easy for me, but I just find them so darned hard. But the hardest part is making it LOOK like it’s not hard. Well, to write. Other things are just fine being hard.

      Kay, that made zero sense.

      Thanks for stopping by, Liz!
      ~D~

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    • I totally agree – give me a hero who struggles to get his pants off, a heroine who smacks her head on the headboard, and sex that’s nonetheless as unstoppable as a freight train.

      I love realism in sex scenes, which is why they must be meticulously researched!

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  9. Great post, and fun topic!

    I’m not one to give advice on how to write sex scenes, but from a reader’s perspective, I’d love it if authors made absolutely certain that what they’re describing is pleasurable. If you haven’t experienced the particular sexual technique your characters are employing, you might want to consider doing a little research first.

    Like, I read a book recently in which the hero treated the heroine’s most delicate bits like the narrow straw to a thick milkshake.

    Ick, right? I mean, am I strange that I just don’t think that sounds like a good time? I’d have kicked him in the head if he tried that on me.

    It made me think that either:

    A) The author has never actually experienced this and has no idea how uncomfortable/annoying it actually is; or
    B) I’m weird, my lady parts are defective, and every other woman who reads this sex scene will find it totally fantasy-fulfilling.

    I chose to believe option “A.”

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    • As a reader, I often say “ick” out loud when I’m reading a sex scene. Also “ouch” has come out of my mouth. Another one is “huh”.

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    • Liz Talley says:

      This made me laugh.

      Yeah, if you haven’t actually done it or experienced it, don’t attempt to write about it.

      I swear I’m gonna try that whole love making on a horse thing. No, I’m just kidding. I can’t really imagine ‘reaching my peak’ as I’m holding on to a mane as we race through the rugged landscape. LOL!

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    • Shea Berkley says:

      “like the narrow straw to a thick milkshake”

      Um, what does that mean? I just sounds … weird. The problem with sex is that everyone has their own ideal of what great sex is. Some really get into fetishes, and if that toe sucking or belly button probing isn’t your thing, then it’s not gonna do anything but make the reader groan, and not in a “yeah, baby” kind of way.

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      • The hero slurped the heroine’s clitoris into his mouth and sucked on it like he was trying to get to the bottom of a milkshake.

        It’s like the last-ditch effort of a man whose bag of tricks has run out. I’m sure it sounds intriguing, like maybe it would please a woman, but trust me. It most certainly does not, at least not THIS woman.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      And I completely agree. Experience is helpful. 🙂

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  10. Darynda Jones says:

    LOL!!! I choose option A too, Jamie! I have a sneaking suspicion your lady parts are just fine!

    Thanks for stopping by!
    ~D~

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  11. Pamela Cayne says:

    I agree with everybody else–great post, Darynda! A very simple and inclusive 1-2-3 that is causing all kinds of lights to go off. I write the sex scenes very organically (in that I just let ’em rip), but this really helps get more layers to the act.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Thank you, Pamela! I only wish I could just go in a write the darned thing and be done with it. Then again, they are fun to read over and over. ‘Specially when your man is nearby. Hehehe.

      Thanks for stopping by!
      ~D~

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  12. Addison Fox says:

    Great post, Darynda!

    For me, I look at the sex scenes in my work the same way as every other scene – it has to pull the story along and drive the emotional development of my characters.

    And to echo Vanessa’s point earlier, in my YA work I don’t write sex scenes at all, but there is still a developing relationship between my characters and some development of a physical relationship – holding hands, kissing, etc. All of that comes with heavy emotion which is what I enjoy most – both as a reader and as a writer.

    Addison

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Nice, Addison. You are exactly right. There is no punch without the emotion pushing it forward. I believe very much in the sexual tension in any story. YAs are loaded with them, and I just love that.

      Thanks for stopping by!
      ~D~

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  13. I think the secret for writing great bedroom action is to stop thinking of it as a SEX scene and think of it as a LOVE scene. Changing the mind set will automatically push a writer into EMOTION mode instead Humping and Bumping mode. As you said, Darynda, the most important aspect is the physical and emotional RESPONSE–the tingles, the breathlessness, the hot flush spreading outward from her core, the squeeze to her heart when he whispers how she makes him ache.

    And don’t get me started on descriptive vocabulary choice. Some words are simply erotic without even linking them together in a sentence. Swollen, Heavy, Gasping, Moist, etc. We’re all taught as writers to avoid adverbs, but in my opinion, love scenes are best when they’re sprinkled with words like Tenderly, Softly, Gently . . . (Don’t get carried away, girls. I said sprinkle not smear.) 🙂

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Ooooooooooooooo, erotic vocabulary! That sounds like a great post in the making, Laurie! The mere mention of some of those words gives me goosebumps.

      Thanks, Laurie, and you can keep sending us more vocab if you want! 🙂

      ~D~

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      OH! And your point about writing a LOVE scene as opposed to a SEX scene is excellent! Quite honestly, I have never ever thought of it that way! I really like that. Just putting yourself in that mindset will help with the emotional aspects of the whole thing.

      What a wonderful thought!

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  14. Kathryn E says:

    Very, very helpful information. I will be keeping my finger on the pulse of this blog!

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  15. Tammy Baumann says:

    The first time I sat down to write a love scene I just couldn’t do it. I was thinking what if this gets published and my dad reads it? Or worse, my kids! Yikes.
    But after a few drinks, I didn’t much care anymore and it just flew from my fingertips! :0)

    All kidding aside, everything gets easier with practice and when I started treating love scenes just like the others in the book, I had so much more fun with them.
    Great post Darynda!

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      After a few drinks! You kill me, Tammy! And you are right. Practice makes perfect, or so I keep telling my DH.

      Love you and thanks for coming by!
      ~D~

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    • Belle*** says:

      I was more worried about my Grandmother reading my spicy scenes than my Mom and Dad.

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      • Darynda Jones says:

        You know, I admit, that crossed my mind. And even now when a certain friend or elderly aunt wants to read my stuff, I’m like, “Um, really? You want to read it?” I have had to head a few off at the pass. 🙂

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      • Elisa Beatty says:

        You might be surprised…Grandma may like it more than you think!

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  16. Shoshana says:

    This is why I write YA–so I don’t have to write sex scenes. Okay, not really.

    But, back when I was writing romance, I used to dread writing sex scenes. I loved setting up the sexual tension, but once my hero and heroine actually got into the bedroom, I got bored…and it showed. The thing I finally figured out (total DUH moment) was that, just because my characters had both decided to jump into bed together didn’t mean the scene shouldn’t have conflict. And once the scene had some conflict, it got a lot more interesting. And sexy. 🙂

    Great post, Darynda!

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Thank you, Shoshana! And you bring up an EXCELLENT point! Conflict in the sex scene is such an awesome tool. I absolutely love it. It builds the tension even more, makes the pay-off even better.

      Thanks for stopping by!
      ~D~

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  17. Shea Berkley says:

    Wow, your approach is so simple, but so helpful, Darynda.

    For me, sex scenes are so difficult to write because there is so much pressure to make them special. I guess, all we really need to do is think about the characters emotions and that’ll make any love scene special. Thanks for writing this blog. It takes the dread out of writing what should be a fun scene.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Thank you, Shea! I can just imagine what you would come up with, considering your writing style. Holy cow. Your voice is so whispery soft and sensual when you aren’t writing the love scene. So, when you practice, you have my permission to send anything my way. For research purposes.

      LUVYA!
      ~D~

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  18. Sherry Weddle says:

    Gee, I can see that it’s been way too long since I wrote a sex scene!
    My most memorable scene had laughter in it, and shouldn’t sex be full of fun? Not laughing AT, but laughing WITH each other. This relieves tension that might prevent them from having fun.
    Face it, it’s not the most sophisticated act, and taking off your clothes can be daunting!
    Setting up the scene is very important, probably more important than the actual ‘deed’.
    I had to laugh at a British comic who said their standard foreplay was, “Are you awake, dear?”
    Or, as an older lady said (at a pot luck when the women were all in the kitchen and were discussing their men’s lack of skill after a few drinks) “I just tell him ‘Cover me up when you’re done’.”
    I almost spewed!!

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      LOL, Sherry! I definitely love funny sex scenes. I guess it’s how you write and what the characters and scene are calling for. I write humor in mine quite a bit, but not usually laugh out loud stuff. I woudln’t want to ruin the mood completely. Hahaha.

      Thanks for stopping by!
      ~D~

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  19. rita says:

    Tips?!
    First research, research, research.
    I too like it when the guy is hesitant. Like he’s going maybe we should wait. Or, she’s so beautiful, eh the minute I see her naked, well that’s about all I’m gonna last. the first time is awkward. the second time they’re getting to know each other and after that the rockets- red-glare effect I try changing the POV see which works best. Who you get the most emotion from. I like a drawn out buildup, a little action, go to the earth shifts orbit moment and the emotions after.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Great tips, Rita!!!
      Thanks so much!
      ~D~

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      And I meant to say, Rita, I sometimes struggle with POV. It’s not always super apparent who’s POV you should write from. Right now I’m writing in first person, so it’s not a problem, but when I’m not. I’ve had to rewrite many a scene and switch POV to see which one works better.

      And you know, one of the best ways to measure intelligence is by a person’s mastery of metaphor. You’re a freaking genius, girl! 🙂

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  20. Enjoyed your post, Darynda! Strategic assault pattern–amen. I usually write the “love” scenes quickly–because for me,they are harder to do–and then go back in and layer. Sometimes I keep them apart a little longer ‘cos if I’m not ready to write it, they’re probably not ready to do it.:)

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  21. Angelina Barbin says:

    I don’t mind writing love scenes but sometimes reading them can be a trial. Sometimes after I’ve read a few books by the same author I know the exact words and movements of the love scenes. The gratuitous scene added to a long book is a case in point. It always comes across as if the editor told the author ‘Needs more sex.’

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      Oh, Angel, you have just described one of my BIGGEST fears!!! What if all of my sex scenes sound the same. What if I get in a rut with the words I use and such. I try really hard to let the characters drive the scene, to make it theirs and to hopefully avoid that. But, yeah…

      Thanks so much for stopping by!
      ~D~

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  22. Kathryn E says:

    Thanks, Darynda. I just read some of the other comments. I find writing the passion, the sex or the emotion of a sex scene not at all difficult; sometimes, describing the logistics is a tiny bit of a problem, (arm, leg, hand where and etc..) but yeah, echoing some comments above, writers need to think and feel what they are writing and a lot of it flows.

    What struck me about your article was something that should have been obvious to me, but was not, and I have to change my manuscript, for they get into some heavy makeout early on, and I want to make sure it is earned. So far, they are succuming to their animals instincts, which, for what I am writing, is fine, but I think they need to earn it, too.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      I’m so glad I was able to help, Kathryn. I really think such scenes should be earned, but again, it depends on the ms. Maybe instead of a reward it is a source of conflict, either external (jealous ex and whatnot) or internal (feelings of guilt, etc.).

      Thank you!
      ~D~

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  23. Kathryn E says:

    I write most of my rough drafts as pure inspiration, dreamed while driving or riding in a car, while doing other things, while lying in bed day dreaming, and I type quickly, often with eyes closed and little punctuation, covering usually dialogue and other things. I have written 10,000 words a week this way. And have kept most of it. But it is bare bones.

    For sex or heat, I need to sort of take it slow and feel the characters…

    I am now in the process of taking things slow, feeling each sentence, (whether sex or not), just making sure each paragraph seems right. I am learning new things every day.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      OH man, I would kill to write 10,000 words in one week!!! I’ll tell you, Kathryn, you have hit the gold with that ability. Good for you!!!

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    • Shea Berkley says:

      10,000 words in a week! Holy …

      You’re a lucky girl, Kathryn. Very inspiring to hear about that kind of productivity.

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  24. Hello All. This is a great blog. It’s the forbidden subject…LOL. My favorite thing is to torture both hero and heroine with the sexual tension. They come together and break apart, sometimes comical, sometimes painful. When I do that, and it finally comes time for them to come together full monty, it’s explosive. I have no problem writing the scenes and I write dialog, internal/external, and action all at the same time. I’m a reader who likes to read something and imagine myself in the scene, so that’s how I write too….and boy do I wish I could be in some of the scenes. But it is true that what is good for one will not be good for another so it’s a toss up what readers will feel.

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  25. Darynda Jones says:

    Awwwwwwwwwwww, torture. My favorite pastime. And it makes the pay-off so splendid. I am very jealous of everyone who can write all this stuff at once. It’s really not fair, if you think about it. 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by, Sloan, and boy do you have some gorgeous bookcovers!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ~D~

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    • Thanks Darynda. I have been uber pleased with the luck I’ve had in the book covers. They are wonderful. Of course, the stories aren’t bad either….hint, hint. LOL I’m really promoting The Fury pretty heavily this year preparing the “hordes” (wishful thinking) for Book Two in the series. Psssst, it has those sex scenes I was talking about….lots of them.

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  26. Kathryn E says:

    My writing speed varies. Right now, I am in story boarding, revision, line edits, printing, adding scenes. My WIP ranges from third draft C to (beginning to mid of WIP to the last 2 chapters (outline only).

    I started this WIP in August, and it will be months before it is finished. My husband read it and said it needed more layering. I agree, even though he’s comparing it to literary fiction rather than category. Still, he has a point.

    I am still learning how to put the all-important points in the structure. And, sorry to say, I am more than capable of line-editing SO tight as to make the sentence tight but bland. Hence, (love that archaism) the layering.

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  27. Kathryn E says:

    I will be stopping regularly at this blog. Truly excellent tips.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      I’m so glad, Kathryn! And as for tightening, it IS hard to know when to stop sometimes. I think the following quote applies to writers as well:

      🙂

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      • Darynda Jones says:

        Oops, forgot the quote!

        How do you know when your piece is finished?
        As the great American painter William Merritt Chase once said, “It takes two to paint. One to paint, the other to stand by with an axe to kill him before he spoils it.” Probably much the same thing applies to other art forms…

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  28. Jeanne says:

    Thanks Darynda for providing excellent coverage of such a HoHum topic, too bad nobody’s interested in discussing it. (insert wink). Really good suggestions from everyone. Now, I have things to do…

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  29. Darynda Jones says:

    LOL, thanks, Jeanne!!! Isn’t it interesting how NOBODY wants to talk about sex. hehehe

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  30. Fascinating thread on a subject that’s a struggle for all of us at times. One aspect I don’t see mentioned here is motivation. The characters in too many romance novels have no reason for falling into bed beyond simple lust. As a result, story interest wanes when the deed is done. To avoid this, the love scene have purpose; it should up the ante, helping drive the story foward. Example: In my 2009 historical title, the heroine asks the hero to make love to her in desperate hope her loss of virginity will make her unacceptable as a bride for the villain. The hero agrees while knowing it could get him killed–and in guilty knowledge that it’s an underhanded revenge on his enemy. All the usual rampant desire is there, of course, but the motivation/promise of dire consequences adds a subtext that increases the emotional content. A big plus for me is that having a motive for a love scene actually makes it easier to write.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      You are absolutely right, Jennifer! I kind of meant that with the “earned” thing, but didn’t make it clear. Obviously. 🙂

      Thank you so much for this tip!
      Your books are awesome!!!
      ~D~

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  31. Thank *you* for the kind words about the books!; it’s nice to be recognized. 😛 I also appreciate the blog post. I’m currently doing a writing tip a day on my blog with a goal of at least 365. The subject of the moment is creating heroines, but I’ll get to love scenes eventually. It’s been good–not to mention hilarious at times!–to see the different angles expressed here.

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    • Darynda Jones says:

      What an awesome Idea, Jennifer. I love your site, btw, and the tips are great. I am definitely going to be following them.

      My sister and I were comparing what we’ve read of your books and she’s read more. Grrrr. The competition is SO on, baby. Can’t wait for Triumph in Arms. What a gorgeous cover!!

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